o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
