You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
