Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
