You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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