He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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