I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize