Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
