I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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