Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
