I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
