So drunk its hurt
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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