i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
