I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
