Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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