i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
