She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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