I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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