My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
