i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Can you bring me the toilet please
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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