even my farts smell like vagina
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
