The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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