you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
