genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
