i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
