This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
