i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
