My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
