sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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