Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
