If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
