she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
