: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My ATM looks so different sober.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
