i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
