i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
