FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
