things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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