Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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