seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
