My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
