I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
