Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
