I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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