The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
