So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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