wat bout pragnant strippers??
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
A+ Viking dick
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
