good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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