I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
