I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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