i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
