Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
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