omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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