New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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