Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
