dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
